Sexy Time on the Phone

I thought this video on the phone sex industry was really interesting. We haven't talked about phone sex yet, but it's on my list of "things to do". Take a look, the video features a woman who works the phone when your horny boyfriend or father calls to get his rocks off.

My Unusual Words

I have a foul mouth. I know this. My mother knows this (and highly disapproves). I have decided that instead of confusing you with my constant use of strange and unfamiliar terms I would make a thesaurus list of some of the words I have been using (or will use) in my blog. This will be updated as my potty mouth gets worse. If you thought that was impossible, you’re wrong… pray for me.

Sex a.k.a…
Banging
The Bang-a-Rang
Getting Freaky
Fuckin
Bumping Your Goods
Getting Your Sexy On

Penis a.k.a…
Peen
Peen-a-Leen
Schlong
Man Stick

Vagina a.k.a
Va-Jay
Cooter
Clam
Box
Goodies
Love Flower (I am using this only because I think it is AMAZING)

Go Ahead, Fuck Yourself!

Most of the information I’ve been providing so far is stuff on ways to create a safe and happy sexual environment. But what if you’re not having sex?

First, good for you and abstaining, I know I don’t have that type of self control. Second, if your not having sex and it’s not by choice but just because you’re too unattractive to find a mate then keep listening-this blogs for you!

For the virgin: just because you are choosing to not sleep with people at this point doesn’t mean you can’t still have fun.

For the born-again virgin: What you need to do is forget the man. The man is who left you lonely and without a peen-a-leen to bang. What you need to do is fuck yourself.

No, I am not mad at you, I literally mean you need to get your bang-on with yourself. Some people would call this masturbation. I like “fuck yourself” better so I’m going with that.

If you haven’t become intimate with your own goodies yet this is a must. Even if you are a virgin there is nothing wrong with exploring your parts, it’ll only make you more aware of the amazing pleasures your own body can provide.

For those of you who are clueless to the ins and outs of exploring your love flower you’ve come to the right place because I’m going to give you some information. No, I am not pretentious enough to think that I know everything there is to know about masturbation so here are some sources that can teach you’re the best way to make you feel good.

If you’re not too scared to try watching a kind of how-to video then my suggestion is to check out this video or videos like it on YouPorn. They have free porn there and you can search to your heart's content.

If you are too shy to watch a porn for masturbation then check out this website or go here. The first site has a detailed list of what to do and what should happen. Near the bottom it also includes extra tips on how to satisfy yourself. On the second link, the main page will give you some starter points and the column on the left has more facts on the different ways to become master of your own domain.

Have fun!

Tips on Keeping your Va-jay off the Internet

This month we’ve seen a flurry of information popping up on the internet and “news” (I am using this word very loosely) stations about some newly revealed sex tapes.

Apparently in Hollywood it’s the new thing. Carrie Prejean (the beauty queen who hates gays) has one. And this week Tila Tequila put out a new one too (no surprise there). Even Leighton Meester, the girl who all the tweens love from her hit show Gossip Girl has one where she does some interesting maneuvers with her feet.

Apparently when you live in La-La-Land a.k.a. Hollywood, it’s not a big deal to have a sex tape. A sex tape is like an audition tape. Everyone sees it, it gets you more exposure and you get gigs!

But back down here on planet earth it’s a little bit different. You see, naive young girl, even though your boyfriend says, “baby, I just want it for me and only me” or “I think it’ll be sooo hot. I’d love you so much if you did this for me” that douche is lying.

How do I know he’s lying? Uhhh hello!? Did you just miss the first two paragraphs of this entry? Do you think those interesting ladies (I have about 10,000 other things I could call them, but I’m going to stick with this) released their own videos? I highly doubt that.

I bet a lot of you are thinking, “but my boyfriend wouldn’t do that to me, we’re in love”. REALITY CHECK! You’re only in love until you break up. And if the divorce rate is at around 50%, I have little hopes for your puppy-dog romance to last longer than the current season.

Just imagine it. You and your boyfriend break up. You’ve forgotten about the dirty pictures he has of you and you tell him EXACTLY what you think of him when the relationship ends. This involves calling him names like “mother-fucker” and “needle dick”. You go on with your life, a month goes by and your best friend’s boyfriend receives a mass email with pictures in it. PICTURES OF YOU. Naked. With a dick in your mouth… or worse.

If you can’t picture the humiliation, shame and all around embarrassment that would come with all your friends and people you know seeing you like that then you need help I can't provide. You know that someone would forward it to someone else who would forward it to someone else until 2 years later you’re at a bar and some guy comes up to you and asks, “hey, aren’t you the girl from those pictures? Ya, you are! Hey guys, get over here… it’s that girl from those pictures with the dick in her mouth”

I’m embarrassed already for you.

So I have compiled a list I’d like to call...

Lindsay’s Do’s and Don’t of Banging:
1)DON’T let him make any kind of video. No matter how hot it may be. If he wants to see himself doing you tell him to get a big mirror and then bang him next to it. He gets what he wants and your vagina will be saved from humiliation.
2)DO smack him on the side of the head and say “What the fuck! I told you last week that won’t happen” when he asks you for the third time to let him take some nudies.
3)DON’T EVER take photos of yourself naked on your phone. Do you really want to pull a Vanessa Hudgens or Rihanna? I don’t think so. Plus, with one wrong move of your finger you could send that to the wrong person. I'm sure your mom would be so proud to receive a picture of her daughter with her legs spread eagle.
4)DO take the photos with you if you didn’t listen to the first three items on my list. If you do take photos or make a video-take the copy! Don’t give him any pictures or a copy of the video. If he wants to see them make him go through you first. Although I’m sure you’ll see that he’d probably rather bone you than look at pictures.

Whoa, whoa whoa... Old People Have Sex?

So I stumbled across this interesting little article the other day and it completely threw me off. Apparently old people- like really old people, love to get their bang on! Who knew! This was like a weird parallel universe I stumbled upon where old people get STI's and the youth are lecturing them.

This particular article is about Canadian 'snowbirds'. For all of you who aren't aware what this is, snowbirds are the retired people living in Canada who leave this fine country and go south to the warm weather of Florida for the winter and then head on back when Canada unthaws.

Apparently these Canadian's are at a high risk of contracting STI's, more specifically HIV. Twelve to 15% of oldies (people over 50) who are tested for HIV are positive. AND-this is what surprised me...Florida residents over 50 who might be dating Canadian snowbirds have the highest HIV infection rate of any other American state in that age group.

So basically these 50 and over people are like a really awesome high school where no one is nervous about having sex. It's all "been there, done that, let's just do it already". Apparently all the talking they've been doing to young people such as myself about safer sex and ways to prevent becoming infected was all a lie- a sham!

These people weren't practicing what they preach, and it's your job to teach them. So young people, I have an assignment for you this week. You must find an old person- any old person will do... your next door neighbour, your grandma, your professor at university. Find this person and tell them in one way or another "Hey, you need to be safe when you have sex. I would hate to see you contracting HIV or AIDS".

You can even direct them to a cool site I found called Sex Etc.. This website is basically a bunch of horny teens writing about sex and ways to do it safe. Since I've come to the realization that old people are a lot like horny teens, I think this website is perfect. There are even quizzes... you could actually sit your grandmother down and take an oral sex quiz with her! Have I grossed you out yet?

Andddd my work here is done.

Getting Freaky Like the Fishes

After sex do you sometimes look at your partner and say, “honey, that was amazing…but don’t you think it’d be better if we were in water?” Well if that’s you then then let me be the first to tell you that you're so weird!

BUT here I am and there you are so why shouldn’t I lend a helping hand to my fellow friend of sex?!

First, I’m going to have to play the role of Debbie Downer. No this is not a role-playing game, and if it was you’d probably want me as a naughty nurse or sexy stewardess not Deb.

Sexually transmitted infections (STI’s) can still be transferred when you get your bang-on in water. So if you want to do the deed like a mermaid (or merman) contraceptive is a must.

This being said, condoms are a big no-no. They aren’t tested in water and there is no information on how effective they may (or may not be) in water. So maybe you should stay away from the cabana boy on your vacation to Cuba this spring.

If condoms are out of the equation then ‘spur of the moment’ sex probably is too.

You’re probably wondering, what the FUCK Lindsay, so how can I get freaky in the water then. Well impatient reader, I’m getting to that...

I don’t know if I would suggest having sex in water, but I do suggest doing everything but sex and then finishing the act elsewhere. There is no reason why you can’t get in the mood and then move it somewhere else like the beach (if your outdoors) or if you’re at a pool onto one of your lounging chairs. Get creative… you’re the one who wanted to bang in the water in the first place!

There is only one exception to the information I’ve provided above. If you’re in a committed, loving relationship with someone. You’re probably already having sex without a condom so this is your opportunity to get adventurous. You can hit up the pool, hot tub, hell, you should even try the ocean or large body of water for a more exotic location.

The point is if you want it to be safe then be safe, don’t get ‘er done in the water if you don't know or trust your partner because you also don’t know if they have AIDS, herpes or the clap. You don't want to risk your life and your sexual health for one night, do you?

You Fucked and Now You're FUCKED

So last night you got a bit crazy. You went out with your friends, hit up the club and did a few shots. Okay, you did more than a few shots; you did shot until you forgot about shots, lost your shoes and ended up slow dancing to a fast song with some curly-haired mess who your friends said was cute.

When you woke up in the morning curled up next to Jim or Mike or Steve in some random apartment you realized their curly hair isn’t so attractive when it’s sitting on top of a 400 pound frame of sexiness.

You call your friend who picks you up, preventing you from doing the walk of shame! Your only question is… WHAT NOW???

Well, there are a couple things you should do and here they are…

1)
The most important thing you can do is go to your doctor or pharmacist and request an emergency contraceptive pill also known as the morning after pill. It works best if you take it within 12 hours of sex, but actually can be used up to 72 hours after you did the nasty.

The morning after pill prevents your ovaries from releasing an egg and alters the lining of the womb so a fertilized egg can’t shimmy its way in there. It’s important to know that like all contraceptive, this too isn’t 100% effective but its damn close!

Most common side effects are nausea, vomiting and irregular menstrual bleeding or spotting before your next period. For a full list of side effects check this out

SIDENOTE: Depending on where you live, the emergency contraceptive pill may not be available to you. I found a website (okay, so it's just wikipedia... don't hate on me because wikipedia has some good shit) that has a list of the countries that it's available in so check it out!

2)
Get checked out. This is extremely important! Jim or Mike or Steve or whatever the hell his name was could have been a virgin who you’ve just demoralized but chances are he’s not. And whether you like it or not Mr. Curls could have an STI, and believe me this is not the bus- you don’t want to catch that shit! So suck it up, go to the clinic and tell the doctor you got your bang on and need to get checked out. You’re not the first and you won’t be the last so don’t be embarrassed. Your health is more important.

What's the HELL is a Vaginal Ring? Information on Contraceptive Methods

I’m not a doctor, I just play one on t.v… okay, maybe I don’t even do that.

BUT I wanted to post some information on different types of birth control methods... then after I started researching I found out that there are, well… A LOT!

That’s good and bad. Good for you because now you have so many options there’s no reason for some skeezy girl or guy (yes, I just tried to make this blog gender friendly) to convince you that bare-backing is the only way. Bad for me because like I already said, I’m not a doctor and I don’t want to be responsible for the extreme amount of information needed in picking a birth control method that’s right for you.

So I’ve decided to do what any good blogger would- direct you somewhere that knows their shit!

The website I found to be most helpful and has information for days is on womenshealth.gov and birthcontrolcanada.com was also really informative.

The best suggestion I can give you is to talk to your doctor. Doctor’s are full of all kinds of information! For instance, when I talked with my doctor I found out that there’s a pill you can take where you only get your period every 3 months. I will repeat that- EVERY THREE MONTHS! Yes, the heavens just opened up and angels started singing. I clearly began screaming- gimme, gimme, gimme and grabbing at the sample pack she had.

I’m on this pill now and love it. I can’t get enough of it. If I could, I would marry it, but I’m sure it’s not for everyone. So make sure you stay informed and do what is right for you. You’re the only one who can make that decision.

Vaginas in China- Beware!

Officials in China say there in search of nearly a million knock-off condoms that were being produced in an illegal factory located in Hunan.

My guess? The condoms are probably hanging out in seedy strip clubs or those 25 cent dispensers you find in the bathrooms of nasty restaurants you stumble into around 3 in the morning after a night of partying.

The police said that when they entered the factory they saw bare-chested employees using vegetable oil to lubricate the condoms and were placing them into fiber bags. It goes without saying that this is evidently not a sterile environment.

Bare-chested employees? Vegetable oil? Um, GROSS! I don’t want something that potentially has little bits of chest hair going anywhere near my va-jay. That is not my idea of a good time.

The Chinese condom market is the 4th largest in the world, so all you out there who may live or be in the vicinity of China, beware of condoms labeled as "Jisson, Durex. Rough Rider, Six Sense and Love Card."

Ugh...Give me a Break!

Soooo this post is not exactly about having sex or safe sex but it's in the realm of sex and that's close enough for me. Plus, the topic pissed me off enough I felt like I had to write about it.

There is intense controversy surrounding Beyonce (whom I don't really like, but she's a popular bitch-I'll give her that) and her concert in Egypt. Apparently, they are trying to ban her from performing because her concert is a "sex party" -not my words, the words of some guy that has a say in Egypt.

There's even a Facebook group opposing her concert that has over 10,000 members.

Okay, first, do people in Egypt have sex? Because if they did I don't think they'd think Beyonce's concert was a sex party. A Beyonce concert is more like foreplay.

A sex party would be a Britney Spears concert. That bitch loves to party and clearly loves to get down with the best of them... she's got a song about masterbation and her new one's about 3somes.

And second, why oh why would you schedule a Beyonce concert in a country that is really strict morally? Did they think that she'd put on a burka or wear a turtleneck and sweatpants just for them? That girl has legs for miles and abs that put the fittest men to shame and she clearly likes to show them off.

My opinion: Shut up and stop complaining! Beyonce is one of the biggest performers of our time, if she wanted to finger-bang herself on stage you should be proud to say you were there to watch.